pinned post

 ...can i make a pinned post on blogger? i think i just have to adjust the date of this post every time i publish something new. oh well.

if you would like to use my music player, go to site settings and change site audio to "allow". then refresh.

anyways, hi. i've had this blog since i was 14 which is also why it's disgustingly transformers themed. i don't have the heart to get rid of it, i still love transformers.

i draft posts that embarrass me, so this blog may seem empty. but believe me, it is very, very full on my end.

here is a face to the name:

that kind of sucks

 why is it so hard to find white elevated basics

9/20/25

 hi. long time no blog. WOOOOWWW CRAZY. somehow i always manage to remember i have a blogger after about a year, like it's some odd time capsule to write in. i've drafted older posts i find particularly embarrassing, i don't know why i wrote with so much attitude in my voice.

a whole buttload of crap has happened that would make angsty teenage me on this blog suddenly realize her problems were small all along -- but to cut it short : dad's truck got fucked up, only breadwinner of house, out of job for very long long long time, lose lot of money, sell house in a rush, move to texas to be with family, actually kind of hate it there, family hates us, me and mom leave to chicago, my dad abandoned us. my best friend's grandma died, my own grandfather died not long after. my dog went through a uterine infection and nearly died... my best friend's dog died.

AS YOU CAN SEE IT HASN'T BEEN THE MOST PLEASANT YEAR FOR ME OR THOSE AROUND ME, 2025. HAHA.

SOOOOOO. anyways. i live with my uncle now which i cannot even FATHOM how lucky we are to have been able to stay here. i'm not really a strongly religious person but i cannot label this as anything other than a blessing.

those three months in texas really hammered in how much i missed chicago, honestly. it's not the prettiest here, i'll be honest. it's a weird section of area that can't exactly decide if it's suburb or city -- which is basically just city living. but i grew up in a suburb, so it's different to me. i love my uncle's house though, it's very... well, he's gay and a spiritualist. that should clue you in.

texas was REALLY. well. placeless. cement, parking lots, megachurches, not well cared for -- in the sense of its nature. i did like seeing all the muscovy ducks, we had to surrender our chickens and ducks to a neighbour, so it was a bit of home. i was alarmed to see a lack of old trees in a state -- i had never gone somewhere that was strictly trees that were ten years old or less.

speaking of surrendering our chickens, we ended up finding one running around on the road like two weeks ago, so we took her in. we asked neighbours who owned chickens if she was theirs, but all of them said no. she's a sweet little white pullet we named bianca. very social. apparently a neighbour had already seen her roaming around a few days prior, so... we really don't think anyone was looking for her anyways.

i'm back working as a lab aide at my old college job, it's nice to be back though admittedly i do wish i was working somewhere that paid me more (and/or was less restrictive on the amount of hours one can work... greedy) but i'm grateful nonetheless. it's located in a convenient place and i know how things work. i was a little surprised myself to see how much i still remembered, as, last summer (summer of 2024) i left college+my job to prepare for us moving to texas. so i had been out of work for a year.

i've switched majors from animation to accounting, which i'm honestly not mad about. i don't like that i have to have a penny-pinching mindset but the situation for people my age isn't exactly the brightest. also i like hot old businessmen in suits... but i digress.

as of what happened in the nearly two-year gap of me not writing here... well, i went to poland. it was a nice time, i got to see my grandparents. i was surprised to see how popular alternative/emo fashion is there. for a moment i thought everyone was gay -- since, well, it's how gay people fucking dress here! but to my surprise it's just the style right now. i wonder if it's changed much since then.

i also went to new york with my dad--and i think this was the starting point for our relationship starting to crack. i don't really know how to explain it, i hate to sound spoiled but there is a cruel irony in offering a trip to your daughter, potentially out of smugness to prove her wrong?

he hated new york, and looking back on it i think he wanted me to be overwhelmed by it, and hate it too. but honestly? i loved it. i mean, obviously, you're going to have a good time as a tourist.
he wouldn't stop complaining about it or putting us in danger, getting into arguments with street sellers and complaining about the homeless who weren't even doing anything. one time he told me he thought about taking a picture of them... oh, god, i chewed him out so hard for it.

it upset me most when he took me to the met, and i'm a big art girl... just complained about all the art. i don't know, it really just felt like he didn't want me to enjoy it... HAHA.

we went up to canada for two days after that, but i ended up getting violently sick our first day there--so we just ended up driving home after. it was definitely... an eventful period of my life.

i'm doing better now after all this mess, anyways. i've gotten back in touch with an old friend i knew for a brief time when i was into transformers, and we've been talking for about a year now. i've met some cool new people too, similarly have been talking to them for about a year as well.

i also got really, violently into fashion. like most "i want to be rich and move to new york and i'm sooooo skinny i could be anorexic" girls in their twenties wind up doing. i bought jewelry recently. check it....
it's nothing special to some, but i'm really into statement pieces so this was exciting for me. the ebay seller had them for so cheap, too! the highest i paid for anything here was $8!

soo beautiful... to me, anyways. ebay jewelry sellers never, ever price at a thrift-store level -- even for the cheapest, jankiest costume jewelry crap. so to pay for jewelry this unique and in this quantity ...
$50 WITH SHIPPING ?! PLEASE. I'M SO SOLD!

anyways. yeah. honestly i only opened blogger to brag about my awesome fucking ebay haul but it's tradition for me to complain about my life here. and this time i had something reasonable to complain about, so i figured, yeah, fuck it. why not.

i think i will just start bragging about my purchases on this blogger now. if i decide to do that, you will find this post after scrolling past others. so that'll be your answer if i did.

COOL. BYE.

3/6/23

 been a hot minute since i wrote! i wanted to keep this consistent but after christmas I kind of forgot. hilarious though, because i still remember what i wanted to talk about here at the time. i bought a tree for my first christmas ever in the basement and decorated it myself, we got our food stolen at panera, i got addicted to playing 2000s BL games and still have a bunch of them on my computer (they're sooo good... i am a yaoihead now. in 2023. LOL)

my senior year is coming to a close and man if i say the senioritis isn't hitting hard it is a LIE. i am sooo so tired of everything, my life's kind of gone back to a comfortable boredom. i don't feel like doing shit. my school established an art honor's society that i am now a part of--and i'm very thankful for it. but it also dropped a shit ton of responsibility on my ass last minute that i'm not too happy about. it's our first year and things are super rickety and unestablished, so it's a total headache. we set up plans for a table at a school comic con WAY last minute and have absolutely nothing to sell. i was going to make prints but... with the amount of time i have between my portfolio and my laziness, i didn't really get to anything. i'm just going to sell a few copies of my transformers work and hope for the best.

my art is getting displayed at a huge state-senior exhibition in chicago! i got lucky to have two pieces shown there. it'll be in april. can't wait!

also, today my doko demo issyo figures came in the mail which is frikkin awesome. these little guys rock. no other comment on them, just another way to sink myself into a fucking "i'm living what i wanted in 2014" fantasy. LOL.

but they are so cute.

on the other hand, i watched star trek with my friend magnus last night, and a few episodes of the boys. i absolutely adore spock and kirk, and on the worse side, homelander. he's hot in a pathetic way.

ON THE TOPIC OF HOT... i have a boy-something now. i don't even know, we've been out on two dates but neither of us have really established it as anything. our last date was really fun, we got greek food, went to a pet store, thrifted, and then went to a park to smoke and i showed him one of my cool little spots there. sadly he forgot his lighter so we went to walgreens and bought one, before going to a different park and we smoked there instead. and then he dropped me off at home. my friend ava says he's definitely into me since she talks to him a lot more than i do. she told me last time that he was talking about letting me hit his bowl ONCE and that he wouldn't let anything happen to me ever. HAHA. he thinks i haven't gotten high before. that's honestly understandable with how much i refuse shit, i just don't want to come home stinking like ass when my mom is a total hound for the stuff. especially after a date.

i don't really know what else to say... i have so much happening that is fun and that i want to talk about but putting it all into words would take fucking forever. writing here always clears my head too and i can basically feel myself blanking and calming down as i do it. is this a diary, or a method of therapy? i have no clue. anyways, to close off, here's a small art dump. as always, ciao!

good morning

     i just smoked aachhh i hope i can skip school LOL the first day after a break sucks. i only got like 4hours of sleep and i wanna dieee

11/9/22

    WOOOW okay so today was actually really fun!

    One of my friends was showing her art to our art teacher, Mr. M, but she ended up swiping to a meme she drew about pegging between her ocs (no NSFW thankfully, just a written joke) and he was like WHOOOAAAH HELLO?? And our entire table was losing it, girl across from me who is like an acquaintance of mine is like "what is pegging..." and we all kind of go silent and she's like "can I look it up?? Am I going to get in trouble for looking it up??" and our teacher is like YES DO NOT.

    And I'm all. Okay look over here I'm going to try and describe it to you. So I start motioning my hands and my teacher is like "don't you both speak polish..." So i start explaining it to her in polish WITH the hand motions, and everyone just loses it.

    Then I go to speech, which was boring but we got cookies for having a successful speech week so that rocked. After that was spanish, WE MOVED SEAAATS. Me and the guy I used to sit next to kept making sad glances at each other in class </3 but I sit next to this chill guy who always falls asleep, he's cute (in a platonic way). We're talking shit about the teacher and she got mad at me for not asking for a paper from last monday when she literally skipped me when handing it out... I was absent and didn't think I had to do it so i was laughing all awkward like I'm so sorry!! She was so upset, like when have I ever missed an assignment in your class?? Hello?! I have a 95! And she left and he was all "god she is SUCH a bitch right"...So I think the new seats are going to be alright :]

    After that was math, and I actually UNDERSTOOD THE LESSON TODAY. Nothing crazy happened during that period, so I went to gym and we went back to the roller rink and I learned to kind of skate backwards which was awesome!!

    Then is my last period, Biology. We went to lab tables and I sit with this really fun group of girls, next to a group of these guys. We got glowsticks at the start of class for an example but nobody remembers it because we were so entranced by them. One of the guys is this super fun gymbro, and he's like a hot nerd which is awesome. I had to help him get the glowstick around his wrist but it turns out HE'S JUST TOO BUFF TO WEAR IT.... so we put it on his headphones instead. Meanwhile my anorexic ass is over here all cute with the skinny ass wrists and tiny hands so it was nearly slipping off of mine, LOL.

    Anyways after that we started talking about a bunch of stuff, and I seriously love my lab table dude. My friend group is so chill with themselves, I can drop a bunch of gay flirty jokes and they laugh it off and even act along sometimes, and I KNOW they're all straight. We were making a bunch of stupid innuendos and just being absolutely crazy today and it was so much fun. Gymbro joined in on the conversation as well in the end and we talked about anime for a minute. After that we had an argument about 3-in-1 shampoo with him and left class. 

    I went home, looked at my mom's thrift buys and she got the CUTEST LITTLE GRASSHOPPER PLANTER which I immediately told her we're keeping... I refuse to sell something so adorable. And some cute christmas ornaments for my tree in the basement this year!! There was a wooden lobster (I LOVE LOBSTERS I LOVE SEALIFE) and a betty boop, which I loved the most out of there! The lobster kind of looks like an angry italian man screaming, kind of like my OC ticker but he's a french guy. But it reminds me of him, so that makes me happy.

    After that I had my first meal of the day at 12pm, ignoring my morning coffee.. Embarrassing. It was tiramisu in a cute little glass cup (so good) and a mini taco from a kit we bought at Costco. And a bottled starbucks coffee. I have one every day, the mocha is so good. Then I went downstairs and had a good smoke, sat around on Tumblr for a bit, started a new anime called Trinity Blood which is AMAZING. I love you Father Abel. Marry me. I still love metalocalypse more right now, though.

    Anyways, here's some pictures of Trinity Blood and the stuff we thrifted. I have an AP biology test tomorrow, so I should probably go finish my notebook and study a little. It's almost 6pm and I've slacked the whole day, OOPS.

I love these guys so much.

    

THE SWAWESOME PLANTER 

 the ornaments... he screams but nobody can hear him.. ignore my fukt up nails

sophie doesn't shut the fuck up

made some icon edits but i don't know which one i want to use.............

(start reading from the left now)

ANYWAYS!

i caught a cold yesterday and now my entire body aches, LOL. negatives aside i've developed a new hyperfixation and mancrush....black jack my beloved (he's the guy above)

YES... i am entirely aware this just draws off the fact i thirsted after stein back in 2013... shut the fuck up, we don't talk about it. he's still hot, though.

i'm kind of reliving my anime era that i didn't get to have as a freshman because i was so obsessed with transformers at the time. it's kind of a breath of fresh air if i'm going to be honest. most of the stuff i've been getting into or WANTED to get into but haven't untill now has had completely dead fanbases....more for me! and there's no annoying weirdos either LOL.

i might do a minor rework of the blog layout but i think i'm going to keep rutabaga shockwave...he is a blog staple